Modern Day Slavery V/S Mama’s Cancer.

No one answers your questions of “how-to everything when mom is dying?”.

There are no manuals for such things. by such things I mean feelings of grief, anger, nostalgia, missing mom..

There is no *The how to & when to let go of Mama for dummies* etc…

My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, she had her operation last year a few days before my birthday.

Chemo sessions, ups and downs of fighting, hope, disappointment, facing it, faking it.. probably fear, faith, peace… living, Dying?

How should I know what she has been feeling and what she’s been going through?

All this is speculations. I never really know what she has been thinking or feeling, what she’s been going through day and night for the past year..

#Why?

-She is in one country, and I am in another…

-so? duh!! planes!

– i know, easy for you to say, but we were born on the wrong side of the world.

– oh! yes indeed, this changes everything.

I am angry, sad, numb, happy, realistic, denying, nostalgic, accepting, hoping, hating… whatever.

I’m not okay with Politics and Politicians most of all! and this is the main source of anger.

I’m feeling too many things all at once, so I’m really not sure of how I feel…

The one thing I’m sure of though is that I am Angry as hell!!

I was born and pretty much raised in that country where my mom and dad are living, and for life-happens reasons, I have been living abroad for many years, first as a student but then as a political refugee.

Here is the problem. my European passport can’t get me nowhere near my mother, just because it says Refugee on it..!

Even though I was born and raised in that country my parents are in, even though they have been living more than half their lives there, even though I still call it home inside my heart, Politicians ruined it for me.

They steal everything.

All those happy childhood memories and happy moments lived and spent in that country are being questioned and jeopardized because of this guilt.

How can I still love and miss a country that denies me the right to be beside my dying mother, because of one word. because of my new label.

Supposedly it is a great matter of national and international security that my Refugee passport doesn’t state the country of my origins on it.

What difference does it make to anyone?

Just incase it did make any difference; at the back of this passport the name of the country where I am taking refuge from is stated and written. so my nationality is Obviously known.

so what kind of sad excuse is this?

Modern Day Slavery my friend. That’s what’s up.

Note: Almost any other country would have given us the nationality and passports just for being born there. but No thank you!

My Homeland tortures and kills my people and ruins our lives, forces those who survived to go live abroad and look for life or something like it anywhere else on this planet but not our own land.

Rejected at birth! (Merci La Allah/thank You God)

The country I was born in denies me a visa to go say goodbye to my dying mama.

I have no idea what else is coming our way but this is complete humiliation and absolute torture.

a new definition for slavery. which is just another way of dying loud and clear because of wars created by/for politicians.

I feel suicidal and I can’t just shake it off..

Maybe writing to my self would get me through it… but there’s nothing to say… I love life so much but life rejects me so bad, every time I get hopeful and just go with it I find my self in this deep dark hole again.. in my head. I’m a beautiful sweet helpful kind generous person but who gives a shit. I get faced with slaps from the most trusted and the closest people just for being different or sick or free.. so they trap me in my own head my own thoughts haunt me my heart hates me n breaks it self till I feel like I literally cannot be alive.. I cannot do it… I want to and with passion but people fuck it up with their judgements and curiosity and comments and questions and remarks and I keep putting up a fight, the God brave kind way, meaning to forgive to fight the feeling of hating all of it including my self to fight for life itself to fight my self against the pain and hurt and urge to isolate myself and totally disappear n since I’m blunt o get it over with but I can’t even be bothered…. why all this hate? I’m starting to feel like I’m normal, and I’m even amazed by how long I lasted in this fuckin ugly unfair world. Unkind. Harsh. What the hell is wrong with humans? Why all this damage and evil? What’s the gain? We all lose with treating each other this way.. I dunno… just talking to my self n trying to fight it to find a reason.. besides the guilt of not wanting to leave my dad n brother in grief, and disappointing them and my mom that already passed. Bless her she deserves to live in peace away from this mad planet… I’m happy for her.. I wish that I don’t even exist in this moment. I wish that i was really physically invisible and just forgotten… like I never even existed. Much easier… I won’t be feeling bad for anyone nor guilty for feeling this way.. ironic is how much gratitude I have in my life and about life and all of it but it just keep getting to this black dark hidden spot where my brain has no control over … stuck on loop round n round just wanting to be out… out of alll of it. It’s a fuckin shame that I appreciate the smallest things and the simplest things make me fly over the moon with happiness and gratitude and love and passion… but then boom… in a second it all disappears.. I know it’s real… but so is this.. this is so real… the realist thing I ever feel is when I am in this state of mind and situation… I keep saying it’s too much hassle and that would be ungrateful but then again I feel like my life could be given to someone worth it that can and able to live it and appreciate it without turning into this darkness and emptiness.. someone who can make something out of it…

Like I’m taking up space and consuming for nothing. I don’t deserve it. I am serious that’s how my brain suddenly starts to work

Ironic how I’m the one cheering up all my friends and pushing them more and more to live their lives to the fullest to accept them and to love it all and live in no regrets and to fuckin live now and make the best out of it… n to fight and that it’s worth it and it’s all wonderful and beautiful even if it’s hard and sees impossible sometimes. But I’m tired.. I pain.. heart broken.. betrayed.. sick.. grieving… lost.. just out of it.. I dunno who I can even talk to when I’m at this level.. I keep raising awareness about this shit and the steps to get out of it and all things awareness and self help and help loved ones and all of it. And fuckin human rights and planet rights and animal rights.. anything worth fighting for… I’m defensive over everything n everyone I want the best for all! But my self.. when I’m in this situation… I don’t know how to resist it and fight it…

Damn it.. betrayals are harsh, bullying is shit, rape is rape what’s worse.. being in pain non stop for years and decades.. chronic shit.. also doable…… all is nothing compared to feeling depressed but hitting this the right below rock bottom right at the edge….. I just Wana rest… I want peace… I Wana and I do believe in heavens.. somewhere safe and nice and kind and peaceful… just peaceful… and fun… at least a simple place… where we can be free… from our minds to begin with.

I just want to rest in peace.. why is it too weird? This while planet is mad, and then I’m the crazy one for wanting our of this ugliness and shit.. no justice no shit..

Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m just pragmatic. Pros and cons… are confusing for me… I can’t tell if it’s worth putting up with this shit or not.. for getting to the same end. Why wait? … then again I say.m fuck it sooner or later it’s happening why bother.. too much work.. pus who knows.. maybe.. I might as well keep trying…

But it’s so tiring…. too heavy too dark… too lonely… we should be designed to hybernate and go into sleep mode and it should be acceptable and encouraged even… but the brain doesn’t give a break because people are assholes.. evil.. some people are evil they ruin the work of all the wonderful people and they really ruin it for others… for nothing.

By my self I’m the happiest girl alive even with all my depression n sicknesses and illnesses n weirdness and all of it I’m one of the happiest people if they just fuckin leave me alone.. n I try n try n try..but I’m always too stupid I always say can’t judge all people and out them all into one mold.. n then I get slapped. Boom. There you go. Here’s ur rainbow ideas and the other cheek and don’t forget stones… here.. you stupid foolish girl that keep believing even when there is nothing and no one to believe in not even my self… why do I believe?

I’m exhausted my diary… I’m sorry I got no one else but you to handle these parts of my truth and reality… thank you and I’m sorry for always being a burden on you my dear words and diary… but I can’t.. I can’t.. dunno how n what to do to fight the urge when it hits me so bad… storm will pass.. hurricanes come n go…

Dunno… hang in there…? What can I say to me… sleep it off…

I love you my diary. I feel guilty. Sorry 💜💙💙💙💙

I missed my diary, I haven’t felt this alone in while it seems.. do I really not trust anyone anymore?

So my best friend, family friend and neighbor ever since we were 3, decided that we needed a reunion because we could both use some support and fun. So we paid n went. As soon as I got there she flipped on me. Eventually it turned out that me being my self, and me being sick, just the fact that she knows that I I sick sets her anxiety on fire, so she had to make me feel invisible, irritating, hated, called me whatever she called me the terrible heavy vibe that I got is still heavy and it triggered what’s already triggered, the fact that I am sick. So anxiety is okay because it’s her part, but anything else is not okay? I’m not okay as a friend and as a person because she doesn’t get how one minute I’m drained and suffer to walk or move, and the other I’m friendly n I say hello to everyone around and I love taking pictures. Of us and beautiful and interesting things around as a hobby that she happens to have too.

Not fair. That’s all. This is so not the first time I get treated bad and ignored or shut out because people who get close to me as best friends or friends, and I’m always there for them, they decide that it’s too much dealing with sickness. They don’t want that vibe and people that take medications. Yes keep shaming us. Bravo!

The same old cycle, get hurt by people I trust and love and get judged and misunderstood, throw in some emotional abuse, indirect intelligent untraceable bullying, my depression, sickness, pain and to perfect it, add in my goddamn late period, and late all gone wrong government paperwork.

Sounds like a good start right? Well it sucks. I’m in bed, depressed as hell, crying to the point where I’m getting numb, but I decided to write because when it hits so low, I know it’s bad, dangerous and no joke, when I’m suicidal let’s just pop pills up n whatever makes it stop and ends.. I get careful. I wake the fuck up and start writing. To my self to the closest thing I got

Paper.. phone… email myself… back of some random receipts.. seriously anything I could reach… but what am I telling my self here? The same old it will pass. Which does. It passed every single time so far  but shit has not been easy to deal with and still is not

My grief levels are so high, my triggers are all on, and red alerts everywhere in my head n body.. I can’t take it any more. Make it stop.. break… just till my dad n bro pass ao they don’t lose anyone else in the family but I’m nothing but a burden on them that’s even way more reason to be gone. And done. I’m not okay… I know my happiness is real. But my depression is very real and dark. And fatiguing. My body pains and illnesses don’t help at all. But the worst part of it all is the people.

Yes. The people. The judgements, the disbelief, the accusations, the name calling and disappearances and reappearances depending on how they think I’m doing. How fun I am at the moment.

I feel so so so hurt and sad and even angry by the way my sickness changed n stole my life but then again it’s the people that make it harder to breathe, to have room to survive and to hang on to barely anything. They take away the little things. N put me or anyone like me in this dark deep isolated mental black hole… invisible that’s what we becomes suddenly. Depends also on the masks we can afford to wear or not.. health n energy wise. And how much we are able to tolerate or not… the show we are capable of keeping up with or not. If not? Then we’re out. With harsh hurtful remark and even blaming…

Feeling good

I met someone who simply made me feel so at ease, so accepted, with all my conditions, grief, depression, medications, severe physical fibromyalgia, back pain, heart break and sickness. He gets it. He doesn’t make me feel judged what so ever, always trying to make me feel good by just being himself, and this just an awesome rare feeling.

The difference between him and others is huge there’s no way to even compare!

His hugs and kisses and just how he caresses me and looks at me makes me feel so alive and that i want to be even more.

So simple and chill, we watch movies and netflix, we cook, we talk, joke, laugh, dance, sleep for hours..

Both of us are in the process of healing and getting back to life and that is a huge boost and great support that i didnt even i’d have.

It’s so recent but still. But stil it’s a Freeing feeling to know that such people exist.

He is expressive, easy going, his inner child is alive and he is what i would call a real man.

Trying to quit smoking and fighting depression, trying to start his own project and organize his life, he notices every single detail, but he doesn’t pressure me with anything,. Very caring in his own way.

Each one of us has his own place and he is like me always needs his own place and space to function. So he gets it.

Honest and direct. He says what he wants to say but always in a nice way.pen about his life yet discreet, which i like so much.

Just hearing him laugh or seeing his smile makes me happy..

Even when he doesnt feel good and he says it i feel at ease, because when i dont feel okah i can just say it as it is. And i feel free and light.

Im doing intensive therapy and changing meds and the whole circle of invisible illness but he is supportive i guess because he knows kinda how it feels.

He loves his family and his close friends, people just like him for his vibe and loyalty and how he keeps everyone’s secrets and he is always there for them all. He makes time and gives energy and he cares.

It’s amazing how one person can make you feel out of the hundreds that you know and meet. Smooth.

He loves music, arts, and he dances with all his heart, he is fighting hard to get out of his depression yet im the one feeling supported and cared for..

Im grateful for this feeling and the idea of the existance of people like him.

All i need is a hug and for him to hold my hands or take me in his arms and kiss me randomly just like that, with passion and decency. Im lucky to meet him. He is sleeping and im watching.. just looking at him.. so goddamn beautiful inside out.

People who genuinely care are the people we should care about the most.

Bless him and all those like him,you people make the world a better place to live in. Thank you!

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Anytime i feel good and able to move… i just open the door and go!I move i make i work i do anything.. i use those moments days years seconds of being able.. and i live them 💜In Toulouse, I come here and i stand on those steps closer to the edge, the water, closer to the essence of life. i come to the river at night or way too early in the morning..any time of day is good as long as my body helps me and gives me a break to just be out!!I really love the times i find space, solitude and energy to dance with the moon the stars and sky.. all of the lights…the sound of water.. the entire universe and all it’s beauty gets me high on life.I just dance with my music everywhere and everytime i get a chance to dance!i dance with lights, with my inner self, with the universal energy of purity, freedom, peace & love.i dance with God. The creator of all this beauty ❤ and i feel good.I feel gratitude, peace and i feel lucky for having those breaks that let me be able to move and to feel real alive. not a second wasted for granted!One minute of this feeling gives me the state of mind to handle everything even being stuck in bed or at home in ongoing pain for un-counted amount of time.Doesnt matter!! My timeline is different, the way i measure time is different. I measure by feeling. By the contrast.I tell whoever has the chance of being able; go walk, dance, work, give and enjoy life!make use of your body, your mind, your heart, your soul and just be alive!! Truly alive.Don’t take anything you got for granted. Because you miss out on a lot of happiness and peace found in gratitude.For all the many lows i live with in my sickness and pain, there are these times that make up for all of it!! Even though realistically they don’t last long in your timings, but In my timings, they remain as back up for as long as i can make them last.Memories heal, they remind me that there is always hope. There is always a high after any low, and we keep believing.The mind games are good. Whetever it takes to keep going and hanging in there.That’s why i write, and take pictures even just for me.I love real life. High and low are both real life🤟🏼

ما عم تتخيلوا قديه قابضينا جد قصة الكورونا و عم يلعبوا هالكرت لشي و شي و لناس و ناس. و خلقة هون كل شي عالموعد و هلأ بزيادة !! و خايفين كلن عحياتن و خرى. بالمقابل في ناس ما شايلتا من أرضا لكل السيرة و عاجبتن القصة مشان ما يشتغلوا ولا يداوموا وويقبضوا و هنة بالبيت.قلتلكن من كم شهر و من اول ما وصلت عفرنسا انه بتضلا بلد وراق ووبيعقدوا كل شي.موعدي الاورجانس مع الطبيبة النفسية مثلا اللي طلبته من السنة الماضية و أكدت عليه و اجا بأمر طبيبين سوى انعطى بشهر ٢. لسنة الجاية هاها.هي نفسي و اورجانس!!.في مرة رحت عالطوارئ قلت بلكي أحسن رجعوني عالبيت. ازا ما كورونا ما بيهمن و بيتأجل.رفيق رفقاتي عمره ٢٨ سنة مات بميلانو الشهر هاد لانه أجلوله علاجاته و عملياته الطارئة شهووور. كل السنة. كان عنده كانسر نادر. مات الولد قال لانه كورونا أم منوعلاج السرطان!! و كان بيعيش لسا سنين طبيا.في شي مانه طبيعي و انا ما بحب احكي معكن بالجد بس هاد اكل خرى و تحكم بمصير الخلق من نوع العبودية الجديدة القديمة نفسا بس بنيو لووكالوراق. الفيزا. البسبورات.. الحدود.. اكل الخرى هاد كله.امي ما شفتا من تحت راسن و ماني مسامحة ولا خرى بيناتن كلن و لستين جهنم بكل هالأخطاء و الإهمال و الغباء و الدهاء و التحكم بخريطة العالم و بمين ياكل و مين يموت الجوع و مين ينسمع و مين ينمحى عن الخريطة..و هاد التمرد و الغضب و السخرية جزء حقيقي مني و من تكويني ووشخصيتي ووهويتي من زمان. ما عاجبني و رح يضل ما عاجبني لانه غلط و عبودية و غسيل دماغ من جميععع النواحي و بكل الوسائل ووتحت جميع المسميات.غير الهوا الملوث و التربة و السم و الغازات و السموم و الضجيج و كل شي تاني.. من وين اجت هالأمراض؟! العما كنت نط و اركد و ما اهدى رياضة و ضل عم اقرا وواتعلم و فكر و اشتغل عحالي و علغاتي و غيره.. .. شو يعني فجأة بطلت اقدر اعمل شي..! من المدرسة لهلأ عم يشلفوني من دكتور للتاني و من دوا للتانيمن توقيف دوا لمحاولات لكل شي علاجات.. شي يعني ملايين البشر عايشين موجوعين و مريضين و ما منعرف ليش و مافي حل.. و هيك خلاص بدكن تعيشوا هيك. مااانه طبيعي هاد طاعون العصور كلا فيا طواعين بس بيتغير موديلا و شكلا و اسما.و قبلن الجهل و الاعلام المشين الفاشل تقريبا بكل محل.في ناس ما بتسكت و بتضل تقاوم. بس كمان لازم نعترف انه في ضغط و محاولات كبت ووتخريس للكل. كل واحد ملهيينه بشي.. الجوعان الفقير الغني المحتار و خايف عفلوسه و الأسهم و طبعا عطول في المفكر حاله مركز الكون و في اللي عم يحارب الدين و في اللي عم يخترع الدين و يستعمله عكيفه و في اللي مفكر الدين انه يسكت و يستنى الآخرة.. و في حالمين و في الفنانين و في و في و في… بس الحل واضح. و الحلول موجودة. بس ما بتناسب الأشخاص اللي بمناصب القوة و القرار. انشالله كلن بتقلب عليهن دنيا قبل الاخرة كلن.. لو رح يجي غيرن.. طز المهم يدوقوا من سمن و يموتوا فيه.

Make it stop

If only… if only there was a real effective way to make this pain stop. My ears buzzing so loud it’s insane and my skull feels like it will explode because of the pressure.. im nauseous like im about to throw up any minute.. the least of my problems compared to the rest.. my back feel like someone is drilling in it. Stabbing shooting pain that just goes on and on and on up and down my whole body. Years!!!! I cant.. i seriously just cant.. but i want to have a life and dance and be able.. but this all together is just too insane add some depression and the lovely hormones to the mix n there you go. Ticking suicide bomb tickin inside my head none stop.. i need a restart button or a faaast forward… anything other than this. All those medicines and machines and hospitals and doctors cant find a way to numb this just a nudge? Just to stop the ticking alert sirens like living in the ER..it’s crazy but it’s real and this is the worst part of it all. How real it is.. yet how invisible it is. I just cant catch it or draw a circle around where it hurts.. id have to put my self in a whole entire bubble. How lovely. Im already isolated enough because of this..

God.. i question you and i do want an answer as soon as we meet and please have mercy on me and make it soon. You said to have patience. N here.. decades later.. you know im 35 right? You know when all this started? Why? Im not blaming you.. i just one day want to know why and how.. scientifically and spiritually and everything.. the trick of creating illness? Or is it not you? Is it just us human beings running the show so badly we ruined the air the oceans the seas the soil the food.. everything.. we did poison everything and then we come and blame it on you or beg and cry for answers.. i see your side too but i didnt cause this! Im a good pretty decent citizen who just happen to be alive here and now and this way.. i was willing to make changes for me and everyone else. I really had the power and will within me to make whatever i could right but i cant even make my bed god. And i just hope that someone is out there trying to do something about this.. because humans are all suffering.. wars and pollution and illness of all kinds.. but many of us are innocent!! We are even victims of how others played their cards here.. we’re left with their shit to deal with.. no glory for them.. nor for us.. we didnt do much better. We made it even worse… but why are we being punished by actions of others? I hope this whole karma and patience thing and heaven is real.. i wana be pretty and free and dance with high heels and jump and swim and not feel pain.. i wana live in a magical happy peaceful place… when? Please i begged you for years save me here or at least save me there any where any how.. but i just try so hard to stay in this miserable place because you said you decide who goes where when.. so here. But you also said to talk to you and pray. This is my way or communicating. This is praying and begging and belief and everything all at once. Give patience till you get me out because i cant do it alone.. where are all the angels? Is gigi my angel? I love cats.. he knows how i feel.. he is so full of love and cuteness i cant even take care of him! Well thank you for making him and sending him.. you’re a great designer. I tell you i love your work.. the sky.. colors.. the waters.. the change of weather.. all the creatures.. how babies grow.. miraculous. I still disagree of the period thing. That is torture. Why did you make me? Why did you make us all? I want to see you and sit and talk to you.. the starts and moon and the sun and clouds and sand..all beautiful delicate creations and designs.. the skin of all animals.. the variety.. you’re genius but why the bad parts? Why couldnt we all just be happy and born there in a happy place? Peaceful.. you already know what each one of us has inside.. so.. yes i know i talk a lot im a woman! Also your top most complex design thank you for making me a woman. I like being a woman. Maybe if i was a man i would have felt the same.. dunno. But im happy with all that i am and all that i am not except the part where im sick in pain suffering. I cant help my self and i cant help others… i just feel useless and like a heavy burden like i just use and take up space others could have used in a better way. I dont know anything. I just believe… i believe in good thats all. Please dont forget about me.. take care of my mama for me.. i wish it was the other way around.. that she could have stayed n lived…. never mind.. she is strong and pateint and peaceful.. helpful and just balanced.. she is love. I think for her she is better off away from this place. But she always had so much to give.. this place needs more of those. Maybe there is a reset button or a get well button that i will find and it would be all worth the wait.. i like to believe this… but im just tired of being in pain and tired.

We havent talked in a long time.. i miss you but i stay away so i dont hurt you or ruin my relationship with you.. its more peaceful this way i guess.. things are confusing with all relegions killing each other in your name. So im sure you understand.. keep me out of it.. ill keep you out of it.

Peace & Love.

The girl that wanted to change the world on mission survive depression

I was once the girl that was going to change the world, then i was okay with being part of the change, then i switched to being okay with making one good change at a time, then i became the girl who wanted to make good changes in herself, then i became the girl that wanted to at least do no harm, then i became the girl who just wanted to end her life, then i became the girl that’s just trying to not end her life. So i became the girl that’s trying to survive.

Depression is back big time. Chronic illness and ongoing physical pain and losing my mother to cancer play a big role.. also my best friends bailing out on me and disappearing when it got rough doesnt help. Ofcourse.

So super girl’s mission currently sounds like this, random order;

Get out of bed at some point is a battle won. Make something to drink – brush teeth- wash face- try to look in the mirror- watch something- at least look at the phone- just looking, not that it matters anymore, no one calls and if anyone did i dont answer and if i did by mistake ill dodge them and lie about how good im doing.

Then hang up and cry for hours- time to try to stop crying- try again- cry again- try to stop it again… battle goes on all fuckin day or night- try to open the shutters- wow- try to open the window- try to look outside- ressist sleeping all day- fight and cry to sleep all night- only the opposite usually happens- sleep all day- wake up disappointed that im still alive’ how boring is that?! – call dad and lie about my busy good happy day- hang up and cry- try to eat.. anything.

Just for the sake of my meds- doing all my best to not go back on anti depression meds- fuck the cycle of the depressed person’s life it’s no life- but just being there. Saying this is victory.

Good days battles go to a higher level like shower- make something to eat- put the laundry up- send someone a message or comment on something online for human interaction- big social event here. Make something- try to stop thinking- saying meow back to meow- big progress.

I miss dancing and clubs and loud music and lights, that was my outlet, fuck this year, fuck cancer covid and depression and all illness all together.

No beach year, no dancing year, no friends year, no mom year, no seeing dad year, getting back to below zero on the getting better health wise scale.

I made a huge breakthrough today, i really really thought and even tried to go out to the sun…. just for a tiny walk..i though n pictured my self at the river looking at the sun’s reflection… maybe tomorrow i’ll actually remove my ruined nailpolish and go out the door!

Most of my friends have never ever seen me without my nails done almost my whole life. Talk about how well we hide our depression? If they only knew how huge of a thing this is to keep my nails done and colored..

They complain that i shower all the time and that this will ruin my hair.. if they only knew how many mountains i feel like ive climbed just to get into the shower.. how it feels like i actually ran a marathon just to get out of bed n make it to the bathroom and kitchen n way back till my body starts to function after the meds start to kick in.. though i talk about all of it to raise awareness n dodge judgemental people, i still get dumper over and over again by people i thought really got it and people i thought really understood and people i thought would never judge.. yet. It hurts each and every time someone disappears from my life at times like these

Im super social usually, the easiest thing in the world for me is to actually talk to people and i love cooking and showering and wearing make up and getting dressed up and decorating and making things.. but when the pain is at this level and the depression is this severe i am useless and sad and i literally fight to do the smallest easiest most natural things…

Maybe this will make you understand or see beyond the outside of someone’s appearance and believe them when they hint or say that they’re sick or not doing well. Or dont believe them when they show you how good and amazing and happy their life is and how great everything is.

Everyone hates and fears being judged. I usually dont care. But when my depression kicks in i am my worst enemy.

Peace, love and health to all 💜

RIP mama. I swear I’m trying like i promised and i would never give up.. if i was going to i would have given up a long long time ago. I’m ducking below the tsunami till it calms down a bit.. i will rebuild over and over and over again… till i surf the biggest tsunami ever like a pro.

Sometimes..those times are everything.

Sometimes when i can’t get out of bed, feel down and sick and in pain any of those or all of them together and more… one message.. one word…one kind flower sent.. changes everything.

Even if it didnt physically change everything, even if i still have my pain or sadness or grief or issues or depression..etc… the loneliness goes away

Gets less lonely. I feel seen and hear and like i exist because on days like these i feel n even wish that i didnt exist at all.

God bless the kind hearted those who give and keep giving n want nothing in return.. these are the people that make the world worth living in.

Kindness..

Because the other scenario is when ur already fighing an internal huge fight trying to get by or just to hang in there n someone comes n with one word brings you down..in a state like the one ur in it feels that they broke you and that you turn to hate first thing.. you lose your balance.. i know i do.. and i get sad.. i cry n cry n cry.. till one of those kind human beings says one uplifting word. One happy face.. send one flower .. even if all by distance and online.. it doesnt take much.. just a thought and the will to be that kind person who doesnt want n wait for nothing in return…. i cant be that person but i still get hirt when someone says something hurtful or just unnecessary or judgemental even out of love or as advice.. you dont know what im going through.. dont make me feel like im not trying hard enough.

People are not evil. They just dont know.. it’s okay.. but one word can fix it all.. communication. Or staying away and sticking with those that dont act like they know.. but they just send their love anyways.

Bless. My love and thoughts go out to everyone fighting their own fight hidden. Or seen big or small.. doesnt matter. Whatever you’re feeling is legit and you deserve to feel loved and supported not judged. N forgive.. forgive people because they dont know any better.. we all make mistakes even when we mean well.

Love & inner peace.

#kindness #depression #people #invisibleillness #support #grief #chronicillness #love #care #sadness #happiness #friendship #peoplehelpingpeople

Judgements for being sick

Im tired and in pain.
This is my daily reality with some exceptions and ups and downs.

This is the meaning of CHRONIC INVISIBLE ILLNESS

If you think my reality and daily life is negative, too much and dramatic and that it’s a call for attention … LOL fuck off

I can handle it but not with this level of ignorance.. damn.

I didnt choose this. No one ever does!

I fight day and night year after year to make the best out of it and I’m more alive than most of those that bring me down.
Fuckin anchors.

Read goddamn it! Stop those harsh judgements or even better just fuck off.

Not sorry and yes it’s so frustrating how judgements based on ignorance are so welcome and encouraged in our world.

Been bullied my whole life for my health and just for who and how i am.. just for being different. seriosusly.. why all the hate.. see how your hate created more hate?

So where is home? And why am i so lost all the time?

This year has been so emotional and too much for everyone everywhere dont know how and why.. there has been pandemics, wars and diseases throughout all of history all over the planet. Yet this feels so different. I guess because it went all over the planet at the same time. So everyone is literally in this together one way or another. Never mind that no way to compare countries with health care system and wealth with the poor and abandoned ones and warzones.

But i feel lost, confused, dunno where home is, or the idea of that everything my parents ever worked for and saved for to make our home in syria beautiful for their retirement and for the future which is already here, is never gona happen.

Mom already passed away away from home and me, her own daughter couldn’t be with her because of the whole syrian and passports situation n refugee shit. And dad is all alone, at 65 years old, mourning and grieving but all he thinks about is his mother and brothers families and me and my brother who live in different places. I feel so bad for him.

My fuckin health situation hits me bad at times like these, i cant work i cant bring security to my father like he always did for me, i couldnt be there for both my parents when they needed me the most.

I worked my whole life thinking that things will get better. I will get better, i believed that we will be reunited, i will take care of them and be there…

My dad cant come live with his children on the same continent because he still is taking care of his mother and feel responsible for his family and for me too… he is scared that if he stop working n having income i will not have the same life. And he is scared also to ever need someone. He refuses the whole get help from the government or retire while you can still walk n think n talk n do something. He has power in his own zone. He doesnt want to feel powerless and useless in his own way of thinking that if he isnt providing then what good is his life for.. it will break him..

The idea that i cant provide for my self let along my father who still wants to be able to provide for his family is just insane…

All the safe wonderful beautiful homes we had back home are useless there is no home for us any more. No nothing. Nowhere to go. He might get trappt where he is now or even pass away and i will not see him too like mama.. and this.. eghhhh im mad at him..i want him to think about himself n me n my brother n come be close to us n be with us and live with us..but what good is my thoughts if u am unable to do much about it?

This is not fuckin fair, keeping families from at least meeting once a year or saying hello or good bye because of some paperwork and some nationality or visa work.. whatever.. they make the rules n break them any time for whatever works best for politics but never for the people.

Im so sad and mad about my mother but i guess im more angry n scared about the future and the present. The what will happen more than what already happened. Which isnt easy but still.. trying to be in the now

I suck at it right now. My demons and fears and frustration are eating me up inside.. i feel like a heavy burden on my self and family and father and brother.. i always thought that i would be the one to be there to support and lift everybody up

Mostly my country. I thought that i will be able to make changes happen, to be there to build and rebuild and educate

They’re not even done breaking bombarding and destroying 11 years later…

My health again.. the idea of being dependant and not even enough for my self.

The mockery of some doctors!

No wonder that i get angry and frustrated. They fuckin messing with me!

The “I’m Tired” Project

https://wp.me/p3Ca1O-b37

This grief thing is not easy…

I’m not sure what it is exactly that got me feeling this way doubting my self and feeling lost and like no one likes me and that I need to hide and disappear and be alone.. I guess my two best n some of the oldest friends that go way back sent me messages.. out of love but they crucified me. The typical our of love message that is supposed to make you stronger and make you snap out of it, they think they took a huge risk of losing me to save me..but grief, depression, chronic illness, herniated discs pain and all that comes with them do not need a slap as a wake up call. This is the opposite.

It always fires back badly. Those kind of tough love or advice or we care and you’re doing so well so we will take charge and lead the way.. yeah well you dont know better.

This is not your place to judge and god I feel so betrayed and alone.

Cant they just stay away from the beggining n say all this they wanted to say before? Or after? No it had to be right in the middle of a bad flare and a severe sadness and huge amount of physical and mental pain in all aspects. I am in pain. I wasnt. Before that I felt supported and that I can take on the world. But everytime the people I call friends use my weak point n what i am going through against me i get to this point. It’s tough man.

This pill shaming… fuck this shit. It followed me all my life on or off meds doesnt matter. They treat me like I’m out of control and that I need rehab while the truth is I am taking care of my self by taking those meds. Treatments or pain killers. They’re supposed to make me live better and be able more. They see them as giving up and as popping pills like candy for a hobby or to get high, they dont even numb the pain enough so let along getting high.. the irony is they all took meds at some point or smoke up or do some kind of drug or addict to people and food or drinks… it’s okay. Addiction is really okay and it is treatable. I am not judging anyone who is addicted. No I support you a hundred percent to never ever give up and keep fighting your battles. Day by day step by step. But this is not my subject here.

I’m just defending my right to search and try ways to make my life better. Whatever works, with my doctors ofcourse.

But I’ve felt so misunderstood and alone and like an outkast for way too long.. the minute I’m laughing n dancing n hosting n pushing my self beyond my self they like me. The minute I need someone there just not to judge n bring me down they dont just leave. They burn my last nerve. Breaks my heart.. everytime I trust someone and their ability to get it to understand to believe me and believe in me I feel stabbed in the back and blamed for it.

There are many types.. those who know it all n can fight it n go through it all the all time super heroes who keep comparing n looking down on me.. and the other who do t give a fuck to even know or think or feel.. but they just dont wana hear it.

Those ones are easy. Call us when you feel good. On your good days is what it mean for anyone like me, Fine I get it. At least they dont get my Hopes up.

Im so frustrated how everyine gives me advice try this n try that.. yoga yes i get it breathing fine. Exercise. Ya right. Though i try i try all of those when i can. It hurts cuz thats even what i miss the most about my self n my body. Im a happy person i love life. I love sports and dancing n socializing.. learning new things.. cooking.. sharing. Hosting.. but i am trapt.

I can deal with l of it one way or another but when i have some support. Being told im too much ever since i was a kid.. and getting asked why cant you just be normal?..

Get your self busy.. yes yes.. and do you happen to also hear how one of my main problems that affects everything is not being able to even work or do fun stuff? Not even my hobbies?

It sucks.. they have that answer of the genius in a wheelchair who invented and ran the world.. well im sorry i am not as talented and as cool and as heroic as he is. I cant even fix my hours of sleep. Been trying my whollllle life. Something is really wrong. My sleep patterns have no patterns. I have phobias now of all kinds of paperwork and meeting people but specially those at a certain time.. specially the morning ones. Even when i wake up i am exhausted.. my legs cant move now and my hands are numb but im still writing because i felt like i was losing it. This is my diary when i say it all. No one knows about this. And yes its liberating.

Even when im writing this or anything i write to my self i say what if someone reads it and they feel bad because of this.. or think im too much n im negative… which i usually am over here. Or i say what if someone who was feeling something similar reads a big of it n feel less alone.

Well i am sorry. Im sorry to me and to this diary that i out too much weight on it but i am also tired.. nowhere to go and no o e to actually truly talk to. I can talk with anyone in the street n make friends even but i cant show my real face n when i do they run away n get scared or i feel the judgements. So i just say it straight up

If you wana run, go ahead n run now. I dont need more superhero surprises later.. i get attached n then boom im all alone. Fuck this shit. I cant..i can’t sleep its past 5 am and i am really trying to finish my paperwork n get back all the stuff that got stolen from me .. cards and ID n shit.. its been 10 days lol thats my emergency effort right here

sually

I MISS…

I Miss my good old best friends n close cousins, I miss the good times. The simple things.
I have no energy to actually communicate, most of the time I literally just want to disappear completely, nothing new.
I just wish we were in the same city or that we still could meet once a year at least… I wish I wish that I was okay. I’ve never really been okay through most of my life but at least I had them around me.. but this.. it’s shit.

God I feel empty inside. I wana dance n go swim, run, travel, do art, cook, learn… design…just do what I wana do,but I can’t. I am done being trapt in a body that does not represent me. This struggle is too much and I feel so down. I’m done trying to live a life not meant for me. I’m alone cuz I’d rather be alone I’m done with Judgements, analyses,  looks,  guilt and comments… I’m done. I hate it.  I swear I hate it so much. This fuckin stigma on invisible illness. I served my time isn’t it enough? I swear I’m a goddamn happy person but this stuff makes me miserable because I get angry and lose it. Music, arts, cats.. nature.. these get me so they get the best of me I guess.

you’re not alone.

just remember. whatever it os you’re going through. talk about it. and know that you are not alone. someone else feels this way and needs you to let them know that they’re not alone in this. love ❤

I miss myself.. i miss my life

miss it all,i miss my life, i miss my body, i miss my mind, i miss my spirit, i miss my beauty, i miss my self..

i miss being okay and feeling okay and doing okay and it’s really been a while since ive been anything near okay

sickness humbled me, showed me the human in me, but it also forced me to grow beyond what i cant do.. because i dint want to do it.. but end up doing it anyways because the only other choice is killing my self. plain truth. what else? as usual. always blunt and direct.

im numb.. my arms n legs are numb o cant even write if i want to.. i miss writing.. writing properly.. with all the details and meanings and connections.. but this is not writing.. this is salvation.. right before or while i lose it. those scattered letters save me.

i love you all. even if i dont know you and if you dont know me.. doesnt matter. i love you for writing and reading and being alive and for trying.. watch me try again n again.. it’s 7.19 am here. n im gona sleep. not sleepy but inpain m tired.. n yes i finally got my period yesterday goddamn it. so by tonight or tomorrow ill be alive again! Amen

PMS? WHY SUCH BAD DESIGN FOR WOMEN!

getting my period every month for the rest of my life for as long as i can remember is torture.

this is the definition of not fair. my body and my mind and my brain can’t take more suffering because of hormones and just because i am designed as a woman who gets her period n feels like dying each and every time.

why?

all the pain i already got in my body, all of it compares to nothing when it comes to my fuckin period.

2020 and still no solutions? nothing that helps? nothing to make it better?

i am done.. i always say this.. but im never done.. im free for a week or ten days? maximum 15 days till ovulation starts again n here we go again..

with my discs n depression n fibromyalgia n dizziness n nausea n hearing machinary noises in my ears so loud all the time.. i cant i cant n i dont want to deal with more physical pain it”s wrecking what’s left of my mal funcioning nerves!

i wish that there was no sickness in life, no poverty, no darkness, no greed.. i wish on so many things..

i wish that i could just find a team of doctors who check my body from head to toe inside out including my brain ofcourse and find solutions, actual real life effective solutions!!

this misery, this pain, this inability, this maddening detailed detail of each n every painful sensation that i feel and have been feeling for as far back as i remember.. 20 years our of 35 for sure spent in hospitals, with doctors, doing blood tests, scans, MRIs, talking, hearing, taking meds, on and off, useful, un-useful, damaging, right, wrong.. all kinds of situations with the meds and therapies and physio therapies and alternative therapies and so much more… including yoga because that is the first thing people tend to tell me to do, have you tried to do yoga and some sports?

goddamn it, it makes me angry so angry and frustrated that there are so real solutions for people and there are no real good full tests being done by the doctors! no effort to try to get to the bottom and source and causes of things, and if the causes were known, no solutions ate being found. not enough. this is all not enough.

i never mean to be ungrateful, ive always been thankful to the good doctors and nurses that i have met all my life, and aware of the shit ones as well, but after all this.. where did that get me? and millions and billions of others around the world!! all ages all ethniticies all races all kinds of people! humans everywhere are suffering..

the numbers scare me, why? if it was just me i could go all religious and godly about it, believe and say that god is testing me and a bunch of others. but children? teens? people being born this sick?!

NO. there is something wrong and lots of things going wrong. our food our planet our water the air we breathe the soil the sky everyyyything!

greeed this is what it is. GREED is what got us here. politicians greed for power and money is what fucked up this planet and this has been happening since day one on earth i suppose. but here and now. this is still happening.

where and why are the good people not in control?

why so careless? so greedy?

1% of every rich persons income per month changes the lives of hundreds if not millions of people and could fix this planet and they would still be rich and filthy rich. whats lacking is the vision in leadership. those making the decisions are leading us to hell and for now they brought hell to us so we get used to it already!

im angry and i will not apologize for it. im tired each n every moment of the day every day and every night for life ever since ive been alive. so fuck this shit. lets keep it real

racism?!!!! really?!!!! still?! all kinds and forms of it are un acceptable and so damaging. we are angry and not okay with this. we want changes!! people should be held accountable. justice should be served.

same struggles everywhere on this planet even if it comes in different shapes and forms.

those arms and weapons and prisons… till when? what for?

im tired i cant focus or get to a point but i wish that i had better health and more ability to fight and get out there n be someone n do something to make changes. even in my own life and for those around me. or anywhere else. if each one of us was able to do one thing n help just one person life would be different.

but look at how many of us are sick and can’t even help our selves! i can barely get through the day or night. i live minute by minute hour by hour.. and barely making it.. im not making it actually im just still here so far.. survival mode.. if we are always on survival mode how can we move on to doing something about the world mode? changes?

ve been out of bread for days and i cant even manage to walk down to the store few meters away from me.. i couldnt shower for days because of how sick and tired and in pain i was.. and i love to shower every day when and i manage to.

yeah right changing the world. my brain loses it, this madness from the inside doesn’t help but the chaos around me and all around the planet doesn’t help either!! i wish i just wish and i keep trying to find a way.. but i wish someone would actually find a way for me to take a break from pain and to become productive again. free again. you guys go out there, enjoy your bodies, your brains, your health, make the best out of it, enjoy the small and big things.. but just make use of it. take care of it, your health is really the best and most valuable fortune you’ll ever need. and if you can smile and dance and sleep n wake up and talk n walk n be happy easier than others.. if you feel safe.. well you got it all. dont let it go to waste.

.

feeling trapt… the when and why..

I wake up sad and sleep sad.. my heart is so broken I can’t explain how much it hurts.. physically.. my body feels like ive been beaten down badly…all I do is cry. well I try to do many thing but end up crying or cry while im trying to do anything that would get me to stop feeling those tears run down my cheeks.. my heart feels like it’s being squashed over and over again.
I hate the feeling so bad but all I want for it is to stop. Im tired.. I just want this feeling tired and in pain feeling to end and stop.. just to numb.
I love life I have so much happiness enside me but I just cant get to it..heavy heavy everything feels so heavy inside. my thoughts and feelings and even blood flow..
Im done feeling like a burden to my self and to everyone else around me.. no matter how much im trying to mask it or hide it. Just dim it down.. it’s not working a lot..
that’s when it gets too much.. when it gets out and shows on my face.. when I don’t have control on how much of this is actually showing..
I don’t mind feeling this way ive been trapt for years ever since I was a child.. but there are levels. Im happy when I manage to look happy or show happiness. When I cant even make others happy.. when I start to reflect this heaviness on those around me I hate my self. I want out..
When I cant even do the minimum to help my self like wash a glass or do laundry or even shower.. when it becomes the highlight of my day that I have showered n ate something.. anything… this is not okay..
When I answer the phone and go online just to prove that im still alive n trying to be.. that’s just boring as fuck..

My back doesn’t stop hurting.. my legs all the way down.. my ears are about to explode.. my whole skull is about to explode and this is all after taking my medications.. supposedly. Im not okay.. always nauseous and dizzy and not balanced.. always trying too fuckin hard to just be alive.. and actually try to feel it. Fuck this..
I don’t get it.. im grateful, happy, loving ,caring, generous as much as I could, I have patience, I do my best to be a good human being or creature. what is it with me?
Why is it such a struggle just to be here? Just to wake up? To sleep? To focus?
Im done being useless and helpless.. I know I have so much inside me.. I used to be good at things.. what happened? Why? I hate this.. I will find answers and solutions I swear I will.
Im 35.. that shocked me.. whet rim at and how I am right now was a night mare that I never even had imagined…
Ive ben trapt in it for too long but never realzed or admitted how terrible this feels.
Im frustrated and this makes me so angry.. and sad… im so angry because im so sad.. and tired of fighting..
Yet I feel privileged.. and this also adds its heavy weight.. because I have all this and I sunk so low.. while others who havent had a thing and no one to support them n love them n so much more that they went through didn’t beak them they still function .. im happy for them but im disappointed n ashamed of my failure to not find solutions 35 years later!
The perfect life for what? God this by itself is one shitty feeling..
Im blocked o don’t get it.. why all that? How will I break free?

Heart Breaks are so Heartbreaking..

i’ve just been so unlucky with love and relationships.. i wonder if it’s me? or just bad luck?

he broke up with me when things were perfect, too perfect because he was moving to a new country to start a new life and process all that’s been going on in his life..

i get it but i don’t.. hot n cold.. on and off.. it hurts sometimes i feel that he hates me for no reason.. just because i love him… his new start went to hell because of cornona shit.. he didn’t enjoy anything in the new country, his job was not what he expected n looked forward to, i feel his frustration because he hung all his hopes on this new move and it started with going to hell.. so it makes sense.. but then again i never hurt him, i’ve always been there and supportive in the ways i know how to be.. why os he taking out his anger and frustration on me?!

suddenly he says that he has nothing to say to me and that all we do is fight although we really dont fight! n when we talk we talk for long hours n laugh and talk about everything and nothing n it always feels good, he always thanks me for those conversations n tells me he enjoyed talking… why the sudden hurtful change! he just snapped at my face yesterday n just wanted nothing to do with me.. what did i ever do to him?!

people that hurt him and annoy him never got half this reaction from him, he is always patient and understanding! so why me? and why now? i just lost my mom and it was my birthday not that i expected or wanted anything from him or anyone else but then again this is all just wrong and weird.. and it hurts.

i love him with all my heart, i see him as a good person. im starting to see that he is childish more than i thought but everyone has a thing.. i don’t mind nor care.. but this disrespect and sudden hurt?! it’s so confusing..

yet in my heart i know that he is frustrated and lost and feeling like he failed or his plan failed.. but i didnt cause this i had nothing to do with this..i got get it.. i wish he would just talk.. just talk to me like we do n say things.. explain.. complain.. laugh.. talk..apologize.. because he pushed it big time. this is very selfish of him and im hurt n upset it’s depressing .

never liked anyone or trusted anyone like i like him and trust him.. i dunno how n why he flipped like this.. we broke up, fine. but why the hate and hurt?!

im disappoited. very.

i miss you mama..RIP

mom just passed away few hours ago..

God bless her soul, cancer might have won her body but it never got to her soul and spirit. she left this world smiling all peacefully after being at war for a whole year.. she fought hard. and she won when you manage to keep your faith, and your smile despite all the pain.. you’ve already won.

i have no concentration, im not talking to my friends n family i choose to write this here..

cancer gave us the chance to say good bye n prepare our selves mentally to say what we wanted to say to give her the peace of mind so she can leave in peace.. i’ve been processing this moment for a year ever since her operation.. even way before that, we all know death is a part of life, but in my own faith and her own mentality and spirituality she believes in afterlife. she worked hard all her life to be a good person and a person that always tries to become even better for the sake of doing more good in life, pure sweet hearted person. so honest, decent, modest, low profile and down to earth kind of people.. quiet and shy yet loved so loved by many people.. she left a huge impact.. and good energy that will keep living on..

whatever i say hasnt been making sense for a while now but who cares.. im just trying to keep going n to be rational about life.. to be optimistic n to be a real believer not a hypocrite, im not doubting my beliefs and i have no fear. she really is in a better place and she always will be. not because she is my mom, because she is a good human being and she earned it. she worked hard non stop to reach higher levels spiritually..

humane that’s the right word.

patient. she kept quiet through this whole miserable time duing her war n battles with sickness n before this in life. im proud of my mama.

may you rest in peace my love.. ill pray and try to do good like you always wanted for me. to be a good person. at least i’ll try.

ill write again later.. roller coaster feelings.. laughs.. smiles.. tears.. quiet.. distractions and in denial.. weird feelings..

im glad i managed to keep my faith n relationship with god going even though im not the best at doing what he asked for but i believed. all along. times like these i feel good. im not confused. i know for sure. she is blessed and we are blessed and always have been. thank god. for everything. it’s always for the best. ill go pray a bit. then.. watch series.. maybe reply to messages.. maybe sleep.. maybe come back n keep writing randomly.. as usual..

RIP mama i love you

while i still listen to music n its sunny outside clear blue, i hear children laughinggg screaming laughs n runnin around n god i laughed.. we used to laugh n still do.. i laugh when i laugh i laugh my whole heart out.. its all real its all extreme with me but my high n low r both as real as they get my happiness n sadness r also as real as it gets.. n they can go together no contradiction what so ever.. those kids laughing made me feel life is still out there.. life is laughing running around spinnin.. theres so much more life to live.. cry n laugh to tears who cares! let it be haha im laughing for no reason at all i can see beaches n life from my bed with here right now.. because i heard life outside.. its very important to make the move with life to do your part.. my part was to open the shutters n window.. just that was n is a win.. open your window open your door open your heart n mind i say to my self.. let life in. i have a true honest happy calm peaceful smile on my face now.. haha n my coffee is good.. n music is good.. n im thankful n grateful. blessed.

i woke up not thinking that i dont wana wake up or basically i woke up really in pain but physical. i woke up not wanting to end it and that happiness makes me cry, tears of joy of hope.. i was making coffee looked outside the small kitchen window to see the sunny sky and the neighbours garden balcony and i hoped and wished that my mama has a view like this to the sky in her hospital room.. n then withing parts of a second i was picturing her grave for some reason i saw it wide n sunny and beautiful way more beautiful than anything ive ever seen and suddenly i felt that i believe in that after life part.. it’s where real life begins.. i always believed n pictured it but now i just know it it’s my only bet and what’s gona keep me sane and going.. even if im being selfish with Godly beliefs, but i think he knows.. the whole point of those heaven descriptions is to give us the will n hope to go on and to learn to let go, but even if eventually it wasnt all real i dont care i think whoever made those books n ideas is a very smart wise being. n did it for the best. in all ways and kind of theories or hopes and dreams.. that there’s more to life than this or at least and which is way more important that there will be peace and rest. there will be an escape to eternal beauty for those wonderful souls and human beings that we love and will always love no matter what and where or when..

my thoughts spin so fast my eyes are always so filled with tears i write like theres an hurricaine inside my head inside my soul.. or some words marathon.. i let them be. i dont slow my words down for commas n dots n spelling or whatever it is.. not even making sense or having any order.. cuz who cares.. if i i feel it its right for me at least. if you feel it its right for you. no right n wrong with this one.. let your self be n thats that.

yes waking up n drowning into tears but meaning n feeling happy or peaceful at the same time makes sense to me.. n believing in signs or telepathy…

that window i was talking about? my mamas grave garden heaven?

after i made my coffee my friend just started the music loud n the just randomly chose wish you were here by pink floyd. my mom made me listen to pink floyd first time ever, she gave me tapes back in their days then my teen days haha i think i got my answer that i wanted to her n she replied one way or another.. she will always be here.. n ill always wish she were here.

n ill always wonder about all of it.. n keep listening to music. musicians are angels that save lives everyday. music saves my soul each n every time

The Edge of all Edges

when you’re standing at the edge of all edges of everything and everywhere at the same time.

that’s how you’d feel if you can feel what im feeling right now.

when you gota fight all your battles and wars at the same time.

that’s almost how i feel right now..

yet i feel nothing at all..

numb but about to explode but got nothing to say but said it all already.. know it all but clueless.. all the extremes all the contradictions happening in my life in my body in my brain at the same time and place. thats whats up

one angry bitter bitch who cant take boarders seriously. i want to say goodbye to my mom

Im so sad.
This year has been the toughest, not for me, I could never tell for all I care they were all a mix of good n shit. The years I mean..
But this one is so so sad. I just hung up the phone with dad, ive never heard his voice so accepting of reality, ever, he always won and had it his qay even if it was in his head, he calls them hopes, dreams, optimism, will, trying.. in his head and usually in reality he always found a way.
But this time.. mom dying and at this time him mot even being able to go be with her in the hospital.. fuckin covid fuckin world politics fuckin paperwork fuckin dictators fuckin everything!!!! I need to and have to be with my father. Yes. Even if I just sit at home, make him tea and tall to him about nail polish colors and act like it’s the biggest issue in the world for me to see him laugh, I always wanted him to believe it to see it that’s his little girl neverr let the grown up sad world get to her. To me. i wont let it. Alice will always wonder her wonderless land. As long as she wonders n wanders. I am that Alice.
This.. even this I am not even to be useful with.. watching netflix with him making soup talking about memories and future plans n work and friends and make fun of everything n everyone getting the look that no you didn’t but then hearing that laugh like hell how shameless she just did!!
Defiance and rebellion like I never got old like they never got older. This was the game. go teenager on them all the way but cut them a little slack.. but just when they start to get too comfy getting older acting like their mission is done, give’em a new one!!
Even when this cancer hit mom so bad and her surgery went bad and everything was just bad he fought, she fought.. they both did. Not a second of hesitation. they believed in actual miracles and actually achieved one medically speaking. Stretched 3 months to a year now.
I remember him almost telling me over the phone, if I could take her place, literally be in her place n take that chemo instead I will!! Till now I never knew what I felt but at that specific moment I believed in true love, loyalty, bravery, man. Yes he restores my faith in mankind and men to be precise only it was this one specific man. Dad. But not as a father. As a husband to mom.
Im crying and crying and crying I suddenly start crying…this shit is tough and I just told him.. listen dad its been a year now and so far none of us has said a word or talked about it realistically with each other. This is hard. And sad. And after this whole year I think we deserve to allow our selves to feel.
I said I don’t mean about mom. She os in peace this is her fight. Pain killers n pain n eventually sleeping.. tough but part of life..
But I wish that I could have been there with you and for you..
I said the plan was for us to start living together again after all those years.. somewhere nice.. maybe near a beach.. anywhere.. so he says here let’s see what my plan is going to be.. I don’t know whats next ..i said well im with you whatever you decide and wherever you go.
I was surprised because the whole time before this he was saying something n repeating it.. like yaa.. or something like this.. I thought he was distracted to in denial…
But it hit me… if this guys is thinking whats next n game over.. then it mist be real.. as real as it gets.. I cant stop crying everytime im alone.. I try.. I do my best.. I try everything.. but then I cry..

Both my father and brother stopped being in denial and got too real suddenly… ive been grieving for a year… slowly.. 6 months saying good bye in my head. but all alone.. I cant reach her no see her no talk to her..
So much to say to feel to face but all want is so close my eyes n be somewhere else.. dancing.. tanning laughing n listening to loud music..just being happy.. cuz fuck reality. Im not at peace with this.
I hate world leaders n politicians n fuckin paperwork, fuckin humanity lets people beg n twist n turn just to be together at a time of a mom dying of fatal spread cancer? And the father n his children cant even be there together.. not for her not for each other.. n now this goddamn corona!!! Juuuuuust what we needed but I cant tell whay the wisdom of this timing it. Because if its god I hope something good will come out of it ill shut up n wait it out eventually ill die n get da hell out of this trap n be saved or done or both or none!! Butttt if this is just another man made disaster purely stupid and irresponsible i will lose my mind even more let the world see what angry crazy sad depressed n grieving and hormonal with chronic illness non stop pain everywhere n all the time can do to this goddamn planet. Hand it to me n see what my kind of crazy can fix around here you suckers. Goddamn world goddamn leaders n even sader excuse for people. Starting with my self.. we’re not at hell yet? Why wait! Bring hell over. Yellah kharrouna.

how do you avoid a heartbreak?

I fell in love to the point of falling out of love for good. Once and for all.
How is this possible?
The person I loved and trusted the most pushed me so far so soon that i’ll never fall in love again.

it’s such a harsh feeling when you love someone and think about them knowing or feeling that they’re not even thinking about you.

Im so tired and in pain.. at first I was counting the minutes then the hours then the days then the weeks and that call or that message never came.. it’s clear that it wont. And even if it does, it will be too late.

How can the person that loves you the most suddenly act like you do not even exist. Like you are no one.
I get jealous thinking that he is with random people now, touching someone else, talking to someone else, being with someone else the same way he used to be with me.
This hurts so bad.

How can he just stop everything like pressing a button and start all over so easily? Why doesn’t it feel this easy to me? It even feels impossible. I don’t even want to, part of it is because I still miss him and the other part is because im unable to trust anyone’s feelings and integrity.

The reason he left me is because he wanted to start a new life away from everything and everyone, when we met he was leaving after 3 months. Yet he still went for it.. suddenly it hit him that he still needs to disconnect and be alone and that he can’t do long distance even for a while.

Seriously man? You just noticed this? After you got us both this far? This doesn’t make any sense, I don’t know if I can forgive him for this. i trusted him, I believed him when he said that we will make it work. All he did was take the easy way out. Bravo!

Why couldn’t you just stay away from the beginning? Couldn’t resist? Never felt this way before? How is this not selfish and egocentric? Even childish!
Or is it just being manly?
Is this just the true nature of men?

He decides to get close when convenient for him then he decides to go away also when it’s convenient for him. Decisions decisions.

Well good for you, putting your self first. I wish I knew how to do the same. I should have said no, fuck off, you’re leaving and I don’t want to give you this chance to break my heart end of story.

But I didn’t. you were the extreme good and went from this to the extreme nothing. Good job there.
The question is how do I know? How can I protect myself from heartbreak? How was I supposed to know? I gave you many chances to find a way out and just get away but you kept assuring me that you knew what you wanted and what you needed.

Guess all the tests mean nothing and heartbreak is just my destiny.
Thank you. The only way for me to actually know that this wont happen again is by saying no to everyone. Because no good is worth the heartbreak that comes after it.

The collapse is too tough and hurtful I lost my balance and any kind of ability to judge. I lost faith in my self thanks to your selfishness and childishness.
Id rather be alone forever than feel this way again. it’s not worth it. Or is it? I have no answers, only questions.
Have it your way, im done. Im out.

Once and for all. Im protecting my self and keeping my sanity. I almost lost it. Enough is enough.

Watch “Maroon 5 – Memories (Official Video)” on YouTube

Watch “Red Hot Chili Peppers – Road Trippin’ [Official Music Video]” on YouTube

happiness kindness.. writing in my sleep 😋😍🤗😘

My friend asked me a very interesting question, like he always does, he said do you know your self? Like on a scale from1 to 10? And he asked me another question, what is happiness?

The first one is a yes I suppose, but then again who knows if it’s the right answer, as in do I really know my self or do I think that I do? Both ways, do I even care if I actually know myself and how good or bad if yes?

But the second question really got me thinking and feeling..
Im a person who suffers from depression sometimes if not most of the times it’s severe. As in beyond bad. And that shit is serious.

But because of that I was sure that I knew what my happiness feels like and what it is.. and that by itself made me feel happy. Like something lit up in some twist inside my brain.

Im too sleepy to write but I just had to say that knowing the feeling of happy, even if it’s the silliest kind of happy, like looking at the sky or seeing a cute kitten, or enjoying a good cup of tea or the perfect taste of cake.. taking a shower or a bath smelling all good things and feeling so fresh and clean.. and for a fibromyalgia patient feeling victorious and like a hero because I did it!! Haha

it always feels good and it counts. Even though I shower everyday most of the time but still.
Being at the beach on clean soft sands touching turquoise water somewhere on this planet…

the ultimate dream and my all time favorite happy place to be.. this is where I go with my mind when I need to escape and that’s what I have on the wall in front of me, pictures of my toes in the water, or pictures of myself at the beach or even look at it..

this is a very good way to remind my self that moment when I wake up just until I manage when it’s the hardest moment sometimes.. or just before I sleep.. to be able to think it and dream it.
Visualizing is a powerful mind trick that works. It really does. Sometimes it’s all you can do to save your self and get out of a dark place..

I guess my meds are kicking in and that is another kind of happiness, feeling sleepy.. or feeling that I will gett some good quality sleep. Or sleep faster than usual.. it takes hours and hours of tossing and turning and sometimes days pass..

so this is nothing that I can take for granted, ever. Ive spent Years of my life not knowing what falling sleep actually feels like.

And wow that first time I slept n woke up… woke up feeling like I was actually asleep.. as simple as that .. and man I cried! The tears of joy.. ill never forget.

My cat / son sleeping next to me and being around me is such joy.. he is so cute and funny super loving and just cute.. too cute even!! He is a big part of my happiness.

Laughing with friends is happiness, having friends is happiness, having good cake or donuts or anything that tastes good is actual happiness, dancing is happiness, singing too, or hearing someone play some instrument.. or a bunch of people..

even listening to music on the headphones is happiness..
The smell of perfume, the smell of clean laundry specially the towels and the bedsheets, painting or making something or sewing..
Cooking is a joy!
Seeing others happy is happiness. So much more to say.. but im sleepy..

Oh god I get so overwhelmed happy but also a tiny bit scared or threatened when im feeling not too depressed. Or not depressed at all.
This peace of mind is the best feeling ever.. scary but still.. I always try to make the best out of it.

And I try not to get scared of losing this feeling. I remind my self that there will always be breaks from depression and sickness and even hopefully ill be normal one day and just cured! I want to be happy all the time. it’s a good goal in life and that’s all I want to be and this is all that matters one way or another.. it all leads back to this or starts here.

Depends on how you define your happiness.. I cant define it I just feel it.. I those people that try to make others feel good and happy are wonderful human beings that I love and appreciate very much.

I know that ideas and sentences get repeated or don’t connect but I don’t care at all.. I just say what I say randomly and I don’t think nor read.. so this freedom also is happiness.

I hope that I can be there for the people that need support and care and help to feel peace and happiness.. like myself.

Im lucky because I found friends who listen to me nonstop and they know my shit and they still love me even when I cant even stand myself.. supportive kind people are the best.. you are angels!

Being kind is wow. I hope that I can be a nice kind person one day.

Cuteness.. Kittens.. Happiness.

cats! cats are the cutest creatures ever…all baby animals are cute, but since u have a cat im talking about those! haha

how can anything be this joyful, cute, funny and just so loving!

my baby doesnt judge me even when im judging my self. he can always make me laugh or he can make me feel so loved like now for example all he does is make cute faces n hit the phone with his head so id stop talking to my self n just sit and watch him be cute.. and it works..

unbelievable how cute he is. the amount of love and joy.. i really really really think that anyone in the world who lives alone or has any kind of illness should have a cute creature living with them. n they survive.

dont let the guilt give you bad ideas. they support you and push you forward you dont even know it half the time.. a heart beat next to yours. feel the love.

all im saying is give those babies homes they give you happiness itself. whats there to think about. ! besides allergies ofcourse.

just writing to get my self to sleep.. nothing meaningful as usual.

This feeling is so powerful it leaves me powerless.
The hidden depression that takes over my life, the sadness of missing my mom, and being so broken hearted to point where im just numb.

All I was to do is sleep sleep sleep sleep.. and sleep.. no I honestly want to wake up and find my self in the sun on warm soft sands at a beautiful turquoise beach somewhere without making any effort, I don’t have energy.
This corona shit is no joke.. when you have a body like mine. All chronic illness and invisible illness makes the body so weak that the slightest sneeze makes you feel like you can’t even move.

I already feel like ive been run over by a truck on my best days, so anything extra paralyzes me so bad.
I stay home a lot usually, I manage.

not much of a choice there.. but some days are way too long and boring. The days where im not so ill, as in I am awake, yet im not doin good, so I cant do things around my place..

Those are the most boring ones. The days I feel so trapt.
Of course when depression hits like hurricanes is the absolute worst. God this is the worst demon there ever was.
How your own can be your angel and your own demon all at once. Depends on things we don’t control nor understand.

My biggest and worst nightmare.
Im trying to allow my self to cry and be sad over moms cancer and not being able to see her and the whole thing all together just so it doesn’t hit me all at once.

I cant deal with another one of those bad episodes of severe depression.. im still trying to fight n get out of the last one I was in.. or the one im in right now.. hanging by a moment.. always.
Poor baba I feel so bad for him..

seeing his life companion so weak and helpless in a hospital bed day and night, just when things got better, when they need each other the most.. I will make my dad marry.. or go join all community clubs..

I keep thinking of what I will do to make dad keep going but in my heart it hurts so bad. I don’t even want to try.. its so hard.. how can I convince him..?
If I stop crying every time im alone then I wont feel like a hypocrite trying to make him live normal….
This thing is sad. Too fuckin sad.
The plan was this.

We all were working on getting reunited and living together in the same city and neighborhood after all those years of being far and apart. We were this close.

I cant focus, I have zero concentration every time im writing I write with my eyes filled with tears and my mind being all over the place.. numb.. on auto pilot…

All I want it to be alone.. no all I qant is to dance.. no I want is to sleep.. no all I reallly want is to be with them.. or them be here with me.. or do I not want anything at all?

Its all so cold and boring.. like some scene from an Armageddon movie. This fuckin virus.. my body is so weak I cant do shit it leaves so much room for sadness and boredom.

Even when I don’t go out I look outside my window n see life!
Even when I go out and im in pain I see people happy moving talking laughing crying.. I see life but now
. everything feel so empty..

It all reflects on the emptiness I feel inside my heart and soul.. hollow. What an endless nightmare..
Im okay with me being not okay but the whole world all at once?! Fuck this shit. Its too much.

Again! Blame the goddamn media and politicians. Why couldn’t they be honest and careful from the beginning?! Why so slow? Why so stupid?! So reckless and careless.. goddamn it..

They waited till the whole goddamn godforsaken planet got contaminated they decided to lock people up.

Afterrr they all got sick. Wow bravo world leaders from hell. They never fail to surprise us..!

Yes im an angry bitch just incase you haven’t noticed yet lol

.

As soon as i woke up i asked..

What do I have on my mind?
Nothing. Well almost nothing!
And this is victory by definition to me.
When you live with chronic invisible illnesses waking up not wanting to kill your self and not filled with regret and hate for that specific moment where you realize that you’re alive.. AGAIN!

Is victorious glorious and anything that ends with ious!!
Happy doesn’t cut it, happy us never the word for these kinds of feelings.. this next level shit I kid you not!
And where it just happens..

for no reason! Even though you slept bad, even though some insect or spider kept trying to eat you alive but you woke up not totally hating the moment.. even you though cried your lungs out till you slept at some point or maybe you just ran our of tears for the night.. whatever it is. But it feels good and rare!!

Trophy moments like these should be documented over and over again to remind you self that these things could happen. Yes to you! It could happen to you!! Haha in a good way!
i’m still struggling to get my self over to the shower though baths and showers are top on my favorite things in the world list.

Yet they could be so hard to do… or should I achieve? Since in cases like mind they actually become goals. Life goals. Hahaha

Once im in there I become hazardous,
Im exactly that bitch who ruins it for next generstions with water consumption in the shower.

Though I promise I turn off the water when and if I ever do the dishes and when I brush my teeth!
What?! Im balancing!

This cat though make my life worth it. One funny or cute thing that he does, just one of those gests n moves that he pulls and im suddenly alice in wonderland!

I forget about the whole wide world for moments… how are animals so cute and loving like that? We don’t deserve them..
My Father, my brother and I all wish that my parents cat could go stay with mama in the hospital… the love.. this pure love relationship that they have is something that words fail to describe.

I feel so sad for him.

He will miss her even more than he misses her already.. its been too long.. but im so happy for dad and my brother.

He is the only one that could actually make them genuinely laugh or smile for seconds..

What do you feel when you’re watching your wife or your mother die slowly in pain day in and day out?
What can you do?

What can anyone around say or do to make you feel better..! but the cat is something else!!

it’s been rough on all of us… I guess the shock.. mom has done everything her whole life to avoid cancer. Specifically cancer. she’s always been so aware and she raised so much awareness about it.

Never smokes, take care of her weight and what kind of food she brings into her body, her daily sports is a must.. all of it.. but we forget one thing.
Stress.

At least her monstrous no-mother inlaw! And the whole political and social situation in our region. Always tense, filled with wars, poverty, hunger, injustice, stupidity, cruelty, evil.. yes there is so much evil because one thing leads to another and im not talking about contagious love.

I do mean evil in the flesh!
When you feel and think and see.. when you’re unable to turn a blind eye to everything going on you suffer.

You get sick just incase you’ve managed to stay out of some secret underground prison.
And here we go again.
My brain.

that’s me being happy,not depressed and actually feeling stable. And I am.
But this is our daily reality. No matter how hard we try to make it seem nicer, cuter and lighter! It is heavy on the heart.

I write here alone because no one needs to hear this, no one needs more pressure added to their own pile of thoughts and feelings.

This is my therapy and I say what I want to. I will not lie to make things look prettier. Or act all in denial like I do with people so I don’t burden them.

There is very real damage that I plan to find a way to get rid of. let’s see.

The sun is so bright and beautiful outside, we’re on lock down shut down whatever they calling it these days.

But I got windows thank God. Im one of the lucky ones.

I guess ill go shower, live my real happiness and come back to sit with my textiles and fabrics. Quilts are the best kind of puzzles!!

Love & Hate are different faces of the same coin when you’re inlove.

I feel so broken hearted and it hurts so bad.

I miss him I really miss him so much.
Why did he have to leave? Why did we even meet? Why didn’t we meet before?

Nothing makes sense to me. All I know is that I miss him.
it’s all so weird, but then again knowing my luck this is typical.

we both moved to the same city about two years and a half ago, we go to the same places, hang out with the same people, but we just never met. Not until he was packing up to go live in another country to start a new life. As he says he is moving to go look for new purpose and find his goal in life.. whatever.

Easier to blame the city than face our selves. that’s the truth. I always feel that I just want to pack up and leave or go disappear so no surprise there, I get it.

My brain is a mess, my heart hurts, all I do is cry no matter how hard I try, im sad, so sad.. my heart is sad and those tears hurt my eyes. They burn.

I don’t know what im supposed to do to move on or make peace with this and I don’t care I just want the hurt and pain to stop. And I just want my luck to be a lady n stop acting like a tramp.

Nothing new, story of all human beings through out history, in love, out of love…. something around it.

Is he happy? Is he fuckin around now that he’s alone and free and living the life he went all the way there to live?

Is he actually doing any thinking n soul searching or just fuckin around..?!!

which is making me jealous and angry and mad.. I feel betrayed. He said he loves me and he still does.. so what happened?

Because it’s better for me?! as he says, Just incase it didn’t work out later lets break up now. now as in while we’re madly in love with each other. juuuust in case something goes wrong later, we skip ahead and dont give it a chance at all no right no wrong no nothing.. just in case, lets always be on the safe side. because he loves me.

Yes boy. This is wisdom itself. I cant even!….!!!
Fuck it.. seriously…

He is not a liar nor a prick.. he is just lost and confused and childish with this crazy idea of his….

but does this not give me the right to be angry?! Him not being a bad person nor a liar… the fact that he really felt what he felt n that it was all real and serious n legit.. doesn’t this still give me the right to hate what he did and how he acted? And how he still is acting?

Cold hearted.. I pushed you away many times and I told you and asked you and you kept saying no! I know what I want im not a kid. Fine. Look at us now.
No look at me.

Because you?

Who cares.. living the life you suddenly decided to live.
bravo and hooray.. but why not let me be? Why couldn’t you leave me in peace and leave me alone barely getting by.

No you man ego and curiosity and selfishness and temptation couldn’t let you leave me in peace. You had to ruin my life upside down.

Im already feeling alone enough. Deprived enough and broken hearted and sad more than enough.
My mom dying is more than enough reason. My whole life being stolen away from me because of illness and sickness isn’t enough to deal with every day and night?

You could have been the best thing that ever happened to me but you chose to be the worst. Not because you’re bad. Because you’re actually a good person and I truly believed in you and believed you . n this this where it all goes to hell.

I didn’t see it coming.

And I hate my self for not knowing and for not being able to protect my self from this massive crash which is terrible.. worst timing ever. Thank you very much.

Hope you’re happy now my love.
Hope the sex with those random chicks is worth it. And hope I never ever fall in love again. Ever. Fuck hope. Hell, I will make sure that I don’t.

I don’t know what’s worse.. that im saying all this not meaning any of it and just because I miss you like crazy or the fact that im jealous of everything n everyone. I’ve become the girl I hate.

https://youtu.be/BYE4CVhVkhw