Modern Day Slavery V/S Mama’s Cancer.

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No one answers your questions of “how-to everything when mom is dying?”.


There are no manuals for such things. by such things I mean feelings of grief, anger, nostalgia, missing mom..

There is no *The how to & when to let go of Mama for dummies* etc…


My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, she had her operation last year a few days before my birthday.

Chemo sessions, ups and downs of fighting, hope, disappointment, facing it, faking it.. probably fear, faith, peace… living, Dying?


How should I know what she has been feeling and what she’s been going through?


All this is speculations. I never really know what she has been thinking or feeling, what she’s been going through day and night for the past year..


#Why?


-She is in one country, and I am in another…

-so? duh!! planes!

– i know, easy for you to say, but we were born on the wrong side of the world.

– oh! yes indeed, this changes everything.


I am angry, sad, numb, happy, realistic, denying, nostalgic, accepting, hoping, hating… whatever.


I’m not okay with Politics and Politicians most of all! and this is the main source of anger.

I’m feeling too many things all at once, so I’m really not sure of how I feel…


The one thing I’m sure of though is that I am Angry as hell!!


I was born and pretty much raised in that country where my mom and dad are living, and for life-happens reasons, I have been living abroad for many years, first as a student but then as a political refugee.


Here is the problem. my European passport can’t get me nowhere near my mother, just because it says Refugee on it..!


Even though I was born and raised in that country my parents are in, even though they have been living more than half their lives there, even though I still call it home inside my heart, Politicians ruined it for me.

They steal everything.


All those happy childhood memories and happy moments lived and spent in that country are being questioned and jeopardized because of this guilt.


How can I still love and miss a country that denies me the right to be beside my dying mother, because of one word. because of my new label.

Supposedly it is a great matter of national and international security that my Refugee passport doesn’t state the country of my origins on it.


What difference does it make to anyone?

Just incase it did make any difference; at the back of this passport the name of the country where I am taking refuge from is stated and written. so my nationality is Obviously known.

so what kind of sad excuse is this?


Modern Day Slavery my friend. That’s what’s up.

Note: Almost any other country would have given us the nationality and passports just for being born there. but No thank you!


My Homeland tortures and kills my people and ruins our lives, forces those who survived to go live abroad and look for life or something like it anywhere else on this planet but not our own land.

Rejected at birth! (Merci La Allah/thank You God)


The country I was born in denies me a visa to go say goodbye to my dying mama.


I have no idea what else is coming our way but this is complete humiliation and absolute torture.

a new definition for slavery. which is just another way of dying loud and clear because of wars created by/for politicians.

how do you avoid a heartbreak?

I fell in love to the point of falling out of love for good. Once and for all.
How is this possible?
The person I loved and trusted the most pushed me so far so soon that i’ll never fall in love again.


it’s such a harsh feeling when you love someone and think about them knowing or feeling that they’re not even thinking about you.

Im so tired and in pain.. at first I was counting the minutes then the hours then the days then the weeks and that call or that message never came.. it’s clear that it wont. And even if it does, it will be too late.


How can the person that loves you the most suddenly act like you do not even exist. Like you are no one.
I get jealous thinking that he is with random people now, touching someone else, talking to someone else, being with someone else the same way he used to be with me.
This hurts so bad.


How can he just stop everything like pressing a button and start all over so easily? Why doesn’t it feel this easy to me? It even feels impossible. I don’t even want to, part of it is because I still miss him and the other part is because im unable to trust anyone’s feelings and integrity.


The reason he left me is because he wanted to start a new life away from everything and everyone, when we met he was leaving after 3 months. Yet he still went for it.. suddenly it hit him that he still needs to disconnect and be alone and that he can’t do long distance even for a while.


Seriously man? You just noticed this? After you got us both this far? This doesn’t make any sense, I don’t know if I can forgive him for this. i trusted him, I believed him when he said that we will make it work. All he did was take the easy way out. Bravo!


Why couldn’t you just stay away from the beginning? Couldn’t resist? Never felt this way before? How is this not selfish and egocentric? Even childish!
Or is it just being manly?
Is this just the true nature of men?

He decides to get close when convenient for him then he decides to go away also when it’s convenient for him. Decisions decisions.


Well good for you, putting your self first. I wish I knew how to do the same. I should have said no, fuck off, you’re leaving and I don’t want to give you this chance to break my heart end of story.


But I didn’t. you were the extreme good and went from this to the extreme nothing. Good job there.
The question is how do I know? How can I protect myself from heartbreak? How was I supposed to know? I gave you many chances to find a way out and just get away but you kept assuring me that you knew what you wanted and what you needed.

Guess all the tests mean nothing and heartbreak is just my destiny.
Thank you. The only way for me to actually know that this wont happen again is by saying no to everyone. Because no good is worth the heartbreak that comes after it.

The collapse is too tough and hurtful I lost my balance and any kind of ability to judge. I lost faith in my self thanks to your selfishness and childishness.
Id rather be alone forever than feel this way again. it’s not worth it. Or is it? I have no answers, only questions.
Have it your way, im done. Im out.

Once and for all. Im protecting my self and keeping my sanity. I almost lost it. Enough is enough.

happiness kindness.. writing in my sleep 😋😍🤗😘

My friend asked me a very interesting question, like he always does, he said do you know your self? Like on a scale from1 to 10? And he asked me another question, what is happiness?

The first one is a yes I suppose, but then again who knows if it’s the right answer, as in do I really know my self or do I think that I do? Both ways, do I even care if I actually know myself and how good or bad if yes?


But the second question really got me thinking and feeling..
Im a person who suffers from depression sometimes if not most of the times it’s severe. As in beyond bad. And that shit is serious.

But because of that I was sure that I knew what my happiness feels like and what it is.. and that by itself made me feel happy. Like something lit up in some twist inside my brain.


Im too sleepy to write but I just had to say that knowing the feeling of happy, even if it’s the silliest kind of happy, like looking at the sky or seeing a cute kitten, or enjoying a good cup of tea or the perfect taste of cake.. taking a shower or a bath smelling all good things and feeling so fresh and clean.. and for a fibromyalgia patient feeling victorious and like a hero because I did it!! Haha

it always feels good and it counts. Even though I shower everyday most of the time but still.
Being at the beach on clean soft sands touching turquoise water somewhere on this planet…


the ultimate dream and my all time favorite happy place to be.. this is where I go with my mind when I need to escape and that’s what I have on the wall in front of me, pictures of my toes in the water, or pictures of myself at the beach or even look at it..


this is a very good way to remind my self that moment when I wake up just until I manage when it’s the hardest moment sometimes.. or just before I sleep.. to be able to think it and dream it.
Visualizing is a powerful mind trick that works. It really does. Sometimes it’s all you can do to save your self and get out of a dark place..

I guess my meds are kicking in and that is another kind of happiness, feeling sleepy.. or feeling that I will gett some good quality sleep. Or sleep faster than usual.. it takes hours and hours of tossing and turning and sometimes days pass..

so this is nothing that I can take for granted, ever. Ive spent Years of my life not knowing what falling sleep actually feels like.

And wow that first time I slept n woke up… woke up feeling like I was actually asleep.. as simple as that .. and man I cried! The tears of joy.. ill never forget.

My cat / son sleeping next to me and being around me is such joy.. he is so cute and funny super loving and just cute.. too cute even!! He is a big part of my happiness.


Laughing with friends is happiness, having friends is happiness, having good cake or donuts or anything that tastes good is actual happiness, dancing is happiness, singing too, or hearing someone play some instrument.. or a bunch of people..

even listening to music on the headphones is happiness..
The smell of perfume, the smell of clean laundry specially the towels and the bedsheets, painting or making something or sewing..
Cooking is a joy!
Seeing others happy is happiness. So much more to say.. but im sleepy..

Oh god I get so overwhelmed happy but also a tiny bit scared or threatened when im feeling not too depressed. Or not depressed at all.
This peace of mind is the best feeling ever.. scary but still.. I always try to make the best out of it.

And I try not to get scared of losing this feeling. I remind my self that there will always be breaks from depression and sickness and even hopefully ill be normal one day and just cured! I want to be happy all the time. it’s a good goal in life and that’s all I want to be and this is all that matters one way or another.. it all leads back to this or starts here.

Depends on how you define your happiness.. I cant define it I just feel it.. I those people that try to make others feel good and happy are wonderful human beings that I love and appreciate very much.

I know that ideas and sentences get repeated or don’t connect but I don’t care at all.. I just say what I say randomly and I don’t think nor read.. so this freedom also is happiness.


I hope that I can be there for the people that need support and care and help to feel peace and happiness.. like myself.

Im lucky because I found friends who listen to me nonstop and they know my shit and they still love me even when I cant even stand myself.. supportive kind people are the best.. you are angels!


Being kind is wow. I hope that I can be a nice kind person one day.

Cuteness.. Kittens.. Happiness.

cats! cats are the cutest creatures ever…all baby animals are cute, but since u have a cat im talking about those! haha

how can anything be this joyful, cute, funny and just so loving!

my baby doesnt judge me even when im judging my self. he can always make me laugh or he can make me feel so loved like now for example all he does is make cute faces n hit the phone with his head so id stop talking to my self n just sit and watch him be cute.. and it works..

unbelievable how cute he is. the amount of love and joy.. i really really really think that anyone in the world who lives alone or has any kind of illness should have a cute creature living with them. n they survive.

dont let the guilt give you bad ideas. they support you and push you forward you dont even know it half the time.. a heart beat next to yours. feel the love.

all im saying is give those babies homes they give you happiness itself. whats there to think about. ! besides allergies ofcourse.

just writing to get my self to sleep.. nothing meaningful as usual.

This feeling is so powerful it leaves me powerless.
The hidden depression that takes over my life, the sadness of missing my mom, and being so broken hearted to point where im just numb.


All I was to do is sleep sleep sleep sleep.. and sleep.. no I honestly want to wake up and find my self in the sun on warm soft sands at a beautiful turquoise beach somewhere without making any effort, I don’t have energy.
This corona shit is no joke.. when you have a body like mine. All chronic illness and invisible illness makes the body so weak that the slightest sneeze makes you feel like you can’t even move.

I already feel like ive been run over by a truck on my best days, so anything extra paralyzes me so bad.
I stay home a lot usually, I manage.

not much of a choice there.. but some days are way too long and boring. The days where im not so ill, as in I am awake, yet im not doin good, so I cant do things around my place..


Those are the most boring ones. The days I feel so trapt.
Of course when depression hits like hurricanes is the absolute worst. God this is the worst demon there ever was.
How your own can be your angel and your own demon all at once. Depends on things we don’t control nor understand.


My biggest and worst nightmare.
Im trying to allow my self to cry and be sad over moms cancer and not being able to see her and the whole thing all together just so it doesn’t hit me all at once.

I cant deal with another one of those bad episodes of severe depression.. im still trying to fight n get out of the last one I was in.. or the one im in right now.. hanging by a moment.. always.
Poor baba I feel so bad for him..

seeing his life companion so weak and helpless in a hospital bed day and night, just when things got better, when they need each other the most.. I will make my dad marry.. or go join all community clubs..

I keep thinking of what I will do to make dad keep going but in my heart it hurts so bad. I don’t even want to try.. its so hard.. how can I convince him..?
If I stop crying every time im alone then I wont feel like a hypocrite trying to make him live normal….
This thing is sad. Too fuckin sad.
The plan was this.

We all were working on getting reunited and living together in the same city and neighborhood after all those years of being far and apart. We were this close.


I cant focus, I have zero concentration every time im writing I write with my eyes filled with tears and my mind being all over the place.. numb.. on auto pilot…


All I want it to be alone.. no all I qant is to dance.. no I want is to sleep.. no all I reallly want is to be with them.. or them be here with me.. or do I not want anything at all?


Its all so cold and boring.. like some scene from an Armageddon movie. This fuckin virus.. my body is so weak I cant do shit it leaves so much room for sadness and boredom.


Even when I don’t go out I look outside my window n see life!
Even when I go out and im in pain I see people happy moving talking laughing crying.. I see life but now
. everything feel so empty..


It all reflects on the emptiness I feel inside my heart and soul.. hollow. What an endless nightmare..
Im okay with me being not okay but the whole world all at once?! Fuck this shit. Its too much.

Again! Blame the goddamn media and politicians. Why couldn’t they be honest and careful from the beginning?! Why so slow? Why so stupid?! So reckless and careless.. goddamn it..


They waited till the whole goddamn godforsaken planet got contaminated they decided to lock people up.

Afterrr they all got sick. Wow bravo world leaders from hell. They never fail to surprise us..!


Yes im an angry bitch just incase you haven’t noticed yet lol

.

As soon as i woke up i asked..

What do I have on my mind?
Nothing. Well almost nothing!
And this is victory by definition to me.
When you live with chronic invisible illnesses waking up not wanting to kill your self and not filled with regret and hate for that specific moment where you realize that you’re alive.. AGAIN!


Is victorious glorious and anything that ends with ious!!
Happy doesn’t cut it, happy us never the word for these kinds of feelings.. this next level shit I kid you not!
And where it just happens..

for no reason! Even though you slept bad, even though some insect or spider kept trying to eat you alive but you woke up not totally hating the moment.. even you though cried your lungs out till you slept at some point or maybe you just ran our of tears for the night.. whatever it is. But it feels good and rare!!


Trophy moments like these should be documented over and over again to remind you self that these things could happen. Yes to you! It could happen to you!! Haha in a good way!
i’m still struggling to get my self over to the shower though baths and showers are top on my favorite things in the world list.


Yet they could be so hard to do… or should I achieve? Since in cases like mind they actually become goals. Life goals. Hahaha


Once im in there I become hazardous,
Im exactly that bitch who ruins it for next generstions with water consumption in the shower.

Though I promise I turn off the water when and if I ever do the dishes and when I brush my teeth!
What?! Im balancing!


This cat though make my life worth it. One funny or cute thing that he does, just one of those gests n moves that he pulls and im suddenly alice in wonderland!

I forget about the whole wide world for moments… how are animals so cute and loving like that? We don’t deserve them..
My Father, my brother and I all wish that my parents cat could go stay with mama in the hospital… the love.. this pure love relationship that they have is something that words fail to describe.

I feel so sad for him.

He will miss her even more than he misses her already.. its been too long.. but im so happy for dad and my brother.


He is the only one that could actually make them genuinely laugh or smile for seconds..


What do you feel when you’re watching your wife or your mother die slowly in pain day in and day out?
What can you do?


What can anyone around say or do to make you feel better..! but the cat is something else!!


it’s been rough on all of us… I guess the shock.. mom has done everything her whole life to avoid cancer. Specifically cancer. she’s always been so aware and she raised so much awareness about it.


Never smokes, take care of her weight and what kind of food she brings into her body, her daily sports is a must.. all of it.. but we forget one thing.
Stress.


At least her monstrous no-mother inlaw! And the whole political and social situation in our region. Always tense, filled with wars, poverty, hunger, injustice, stupidity, cruelty, evil.. yes there is so much evil because one thing leads to another and im not talking about contagious love.

I do mean evil in the flesh!
When you feel and think and see.. when you’re unable to turn a blind eye to everything going on you suffer.

You get sick just incase you’ve managed to stay out of some secret underground prison.
And here we go again.
My brain.


that’s me being happy,not depressed and actually feeling stable. And I am.
But this is our daily reality. No matter how hard we try to make it seem nicer, cuter and lighter! It is heavy on the heart.


I write here alone because no one needs to hear this, no one needs more pressure added to their own pile of thoughts and feelings.


This is my therapy and I say what I want to. I will not lie to make things look prettier. Or act all in denial like I do with people so I don’t burden them.


There is very real damage that I plan to find a way to get rid of. let’s see.

The sun is so bright and beautiful outside, we’re on lock down shut down whatever they calling it these days.


But I got windows thank God. Im one of the lucky ones.


I guess ill go shower, live my real happiness and come back to sit with my textiles and fabrics. Quilts are the best kind of puzzles!!

Love & Hate are different faces of the same coin when you’re inlove.

I feel so broken hearted and it hurts so bad.


I miss him I really miss him so much.
Why did he have to leave? Why did we even meet? Why didn’t we meet before?


Nothing makes sense to me. All I know is that I miss him.
it’s all so weird, but then again knowing my luck this is typical.


we both moved to the same city about two years and a half ago, we go to the same places, hang out with the same people, but we just never met. Not until he was packing up to go live in another country to start a new life. As he says he is moving to go look for new purpose and find his goal in life.. whatever.


Easier to blame the city than face our selves. that’s the truth. I always feel that I just want to pack up and leave or go disappear so no surprise there, I get it.


My brain is a mess, my heart hurts, all I do is cry no matter how hard I try, im sad, so sad.. my heart is sad and those tears hurt my eyes. They burn.


I don’t know what im supposed to do to move on or make peace with this and I don’t care I just want the hurt and pain to stop. And I just want my luck to be a lady n stop acting like a tramp.


Nothing new, story of all human beings through out history, in love, out of love…. something around it.


Is he happy? Is he fuckin around now that he’s alone and free and living the life he went all the way there to live?

Is he actually doing any thinking n soul searching or just fuckin around..?!!

which is making me jealous and angry and mad.. I feel betrayed. He said he loves me and he still does.. so what happened?


Because it’s better for me?! as he says, Just incase it didn’t work out later lets break up now. now as in while we’re madly in love with each other. juuuust in case something goes wrong later, we skip ahead and dont give it a chance at all no right no wrong no nothing.. just in case, lets always be on the safe side. because he loves me.

Yes boy. This is wisdom itself. I cant even!….!!!
Fuck it.. seriously…


He is not a liar nor a prick.. he is just lost and confused and childish with this crazy idea of his….

but does this not give me the right to be angry?! Him not being a bad person nor a liar… the fact that he really felt what he felt n that it was all real and serious n legit.. doesn’t this still give me the right to hate what he did and how he acted? And how he still is acting?


Cold hearted.. I pushed you away many times and I told you and asked you and you kept saying no! I know what I want im not a kid. Fine. Look at us now.
No look at me.


Because you?

Who cares.. living the life you suddenly decided to live.
bravo and hooray.. but why not let me be? Why couldn’t you leave me in peace and leave me alone barely getting by.


No you man ego and curiosity and selfishness and temptation couldn’t let you leave me in peace. You had to ruin my life upside down.

Im already feeling alone enough. Deprived enough and broken hearted and sad more than enough.
My mom dying is more than enough reason. My whole life being stolen away from me because of illness and sickness isn’t enough to deal with every day and night?


You could have been the best thing that ever happened to me but you chose to be the worst. Not because you’re bad. Because you’re actually a good person and I truly believed in you and believed you . n this this where it all goes to hell.


I didn’t see it coming.


And I hate my self for not knowing and for not being able to protect my self from this massive crash which is terrible.. worst timing ever. Thank you very much.

Hope you’re happy now my love.
Hope the sex with those random chicks is worth it. And hope I never ever fall in love again. Ever. Fuck hope. Hell, I will make sure that I don’t.


I don’t know what’s worse.. that im saying all this not meaning any of it and just because I miss you like crazy or the fact that im jealous of everything n everyone. I’ve become the girl I hate.

https://youtu.be/BYE4CVhVkhw